Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Man Boobs and other Sagginess

It's come to my attention of late that we begin and end our lives looking just about the same. In the womb, for a time we appear to be androgynous until the sex organs develop. At 90+, that androgyny revisits our tired bodies. Although the primary sex organs change little, there is a question about what happens to the boobs.

Women eventually will have saggy boobs - there is no epiphany with this point. Even those who have surgery will have to face the inevitable fact that the older we get, the more resolutely our boobs work their way south. Even the perkiest specimens cannot defy gravity for eternity.

Wait, it gets worse. I've heard stories of women who eventually have "cinnamon roll" boobs - you know, the sort that must be rolled up and stuffed into a bra. I've seen plenty of melons, too, that look as if they are weighting down the toe end of a pair of nylons. And let's not forget that horrifying “old-wrinkled-boob-flash” scene in "There's Something About Mary." Frightening.

So women, we can - we must - do something about this problem. Make a pact with your friends, your children, your neighbors - whoever will listen and remember - that when you begin to accidentally tuck your boobs into the waistband of your comfort-elastic slacks, someone will take you down to the department store to be properly fitted for the right bra. Then have your loved ones check periodically to be sure that the straps are adjusted to assure "lift."

But what happens to men? Can the "man boob" be avoided? Be warned, young men - working out the pecs is a double-edged sword. Being toned and having definition in your chest muscles is one thing, but think twice about pumping the iron hard. Is bigger really better? It's a serious question to visit before you take the next step to artificially enhance those pecs. You could end up looking like one former Mr. Universe (AKA Governor Arnold). Our man Fabio thinks he has problems now with the uneven nipples? Wait until those nipples are hanging to his waistline...

In the end, it seems as if our boobs will all look the same - men and women alike. I almost find comfort in that fact.

1 comment:

Mimi said...

You just *know* I'm going to send Jessica over here now.