Friday, October 28, 2005

It's true, it's true...

And you thought that I was joking about the porn-pod idea? Check out the link and read the article to find out who is on - and off - the bandwagon with portable porn. Unbelievable.

When Poetroad and I saw a news story on the 11 o'clock local last night regarding this, he screamed, "I told you! I told you! I could be someone's marketing genius!"

Poetroad, you are brilliant, but it takes a genius to figure out that guys like porn?

okay, then

Clearly I've been milking my last post for all it is worth, and that isn't worth much. I have no excuses. I suck.

But I have been thinking about writing...does that count? Plus, I don't have anything witty to say, and I don't feel like being serious.

Denial is such a nice place to be.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Action Pants

I am not really a fan of the elastic-comfort-waistband on trousers, but I must admit that there are some benefits to owning a pair of low-fashion high-function pants. The elastic-waistband pants, also known as “Action Pants,” are the less frumpy essential in the wardrobe of the guy or gal who wants to be ready for any kind of activity in a flash.

At this day and age, there is stuff to be done, and we need to have clothing that will facilitate such activity. You certainly don’t want to waste your precious time fumbling with bulky buttons and sticky zippers. Need to dash to the restroom to take a big dump? Action Pants are there for you. Running home at lunchtime to get a quickie in with the wife or significant other? Action Pants at your service. Going out after work to the buffet and then meeting the boys later for drinks? Only the Action Pants waistband will comfortably allow for such gluttony.

Different than “Mom-jeans,” true Action Pants CANNOT be fabricated from any type of denim fabric. In fact, if you own any type of denim pants with any length of elastic in the waistband, please go now and douse those dork jeans with gasoline and throw a match on them. Crisis averted.

So what are acceptable Action Pants? Some Action Pants closely resemble the more casual brother, “Sweatpants,” and are made of sturdy nylon or cotton fabric. Fall and winter Action Pants can be lined to encourage leg warmth during the cooler months. Spring and summer models are usually light and breezy and can be fashioned from nylon, light cotton, or linen fabric. Whatever the fabric choice, however, the true mark of Action Pants is that they have the modality to be worn on casual Friday at the office and to the Softball game later that night. You might have even referred to the pair in your wardrobe as the “Dressy Sweats.”

While it is true that Action Pants are a long loved and utilized companion of the geriatric crowd, you need not own a stash of Adult Diapers to enjoy the benefits of Action Pants. Friday is almost here; folks…run to your closets now and shake the wrinkles out of your well-loved pants. I know for years you’ve worn them at home and in the dark in shame, but I am here now to liberate you and your pants.

Know Action Pants. Wear Action Pants. Love Action Pants. Be free.

Monday, October 24, 2005

and I forgot to say...

I got the book last week, Mimi! Thanks a ton! I haven't had too much time to read, but it is a good read so far.

Mondays Suck

Not only is it a Monday (Mondays hardly ever fare well), but I had to report suspected child abuse today. Even if there is a teensy inkling that something isn't quite right, I am required by law to report because of my profession. This isn't the first time I've had to report; it's the all too explicit essay that does it every time. I never like reporting. Fill out twenty forms, sign in blood, leave a urine sample, etc. Well, I am exaggerating a little, but that's how I feel about the whole process.

Today I wish I had a different profession - such as a hooker.

Here I am!

I haven't really been on a any means. Actually, I've been swamped with work. Grading, grading, grading. Bleck [insert life-like gagging sound here, followed by the imagined "vomit hitting toilet water" sound here]. It's the bane of a teacher's existence.

I've also been preoccupied with my daughter's soccer team. I mentioned before that I used to play and coach soccer, right? Well, after watching a few practices and the first game for my nine-year-old's team, I offered my coaching services for one practice a week.

How exactly did that happen? A very nice, best-of-intentions couple had actually volunteered to coach the team (for which I am grateful since I just cannot commit to coaching at this point in my life - too many kids, too much work, puppy training, etc.). Admittedly, neither had ever played the game nor knew anything regarding the rules or strategy of the game. They read some coaching books and watched coaching videos, but "coaching research" just can't replace the knowledge garnered through actually playing the game. It physically hurt to watch practices. Games were disastrous. The kids were spending more time eating snacks and chatting in group meetings than touching the ball. Seriously. I wish I were exaggerating about this fact.

I told myself that I wouldn't get involved - these volunteer coaches are adults; let them figure it out. Then to avoid the situation altogether, I stopped staying through practices. Watching a practice unfold was worse than watching a train wreak - it was more like watching people jump from one hundred stories up and plummet into the cement in front of me. So after my husband stayed through one practice, he urged me to get involved "for the sake of the children." Of course I couldn't stay quiet. I didn't want to step on any toes, so I cautiously offered to "help out." The coaches were all over that and then some.

When I showed up the first Monday, I said, "Okay coach, what do you have planned today?" His reply: "I don't know. I was waiting to see what you had planned." Now I run the practices every Monday.

And then last Friday the coach called and asked if I could cover for him for a week as he would be out of town. "No problem," I said. To make a long story short, we won our first game on Saturday. The score was 5-1.

I am missing you all, my friends!

Friday, October 14, 2005

New technology?

A new product is soon to hit the stores, and, guys, it is a must have…assuming you are into those techno gadgets. It’s the new and improved i-pod that…no lie…has video capabilities. Here’s how the conversation went when Poetroad and I discussed the possibility that he would throw down a chunk of change for this gadget:

It has something like a two-inch screen? Are you really telling me that you would watch a video on a two-inch screen?

Yes. It plays video.

I know it plays video, but you have a laptop with a 17-inch monitor. You can watch videos on that.

It plays video.

What can you watch on an i-pod that you can’t watch on your computer?

Well you know what a lot of guys will be watching on it…

What, porn? Like at work? Portable porn?

I’m just saying…it’s a cool gadget. Guys like gadgets.

Great. Introducing the new “porn-pod.”

So much to blog, so little time

Today is a statewide in-service day, and for teachers this means that the morning must be dedicated to some sort of professional development. Most teachers are somewhere in the first leg of some marathon lecture where they are sitting in a butt-numbing seat, sipping a crappy cup of coffee, and noshing on a cold, stale cinnamon roll.

I, however, being the clever girl that I am, have arranged it so I could work from home. In fact, my boss’s exact words were, “You could work from Tahiti on Friday for all I care.” So either he really likes me, or he wishes I could be relocated somewhere far, far away.

Anyway, I got to write my own “professional development plan” for today, and my focus for the day is “curriculum development.” I had this idea that I would create a number of class discussion blogs for each course, and in order to do that effectively I would first need to put in some “research” time.

That’s right, folks, I will be spending my entire day blogging, and the state will be paying for it. Sheer genius.

So hopefully I will be able to make a few posts and post a comment or two on some blogs maintained by the rest of you yahoos doing what you can to avoid work today. Happy blogging!

I forgot to mention...

I saw Gracie at the wedding too. Doesn't she look oh so mischievious?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"This is what it sounds like when the doves cry..."

Actually, they were homing pigeons, but I don't know any catchy lyrics with the words "homing pigeons" in it. Funny thing about the birds; as the ceremony was nearing the end, those little buggers were getting restless in their basket. The cooing almost drown out the ceremony from where I stood. But the birds bursting from the basket and circling in the sky looked really cool when the couple was introduced as Mr. and Mrs. for the first time.

The Weekend

The weekend went by way too quickly... I loved Gracie's gift and enjoyed every minute of my visit with my best pal! Here we are at the wedding (and the wedding was beautiful, btw).

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Nothin' to see here, people

If you're here looking for pictures of naked people, you've followed the wrong link. Sorry to disappoint. Move along.

T minus 24

My favorite MLT star will be in town tomorrow, and I am psyched! Can't wait to see you queenie poo!

Dirty, sooo dirty

Who would have thought that Monday Night Football would have been so entertaining? It was the Brett Favre show all the way! I don’t even really like Favre or the Packers, but he covered the spread, and that’s all I care. Although I have to admit that what he pulled off last night took skill, and I’ve got to commend Favre for that. I still won’t say “Go Packers!” That’s just wrong. So all in all, looks like Champ is about even – 7 and 7.

This just in, Denise Richards (of the Charlie Sheen kind) also has the fear of vomiting. Who would have thought we would have had anything in common.

I haven’t had a chance to give the low down on KC’s soccer game last Saturday. It was a little strange. She is in fourth grade now, so I guess that takes it up a notch as far as intensity goes. Oh, her team wasn’t intense – it was the coach from the other team. And our coaches don’t know anything about soccer…no, they really don’t by their own admission. But I was good. I didn’t say much – until Saturday at the game. I helped the coach put in the subs. He had no clue. Literally. I have more to say on this at a later time.

Perhaps the biggest news is in regard to an external link to my blog that I noticed yesterday. This is unbelievable, I know, but very true. With the sleuthing expertise of Gracie, we tracked the source to a gay talk show. By gay, I don’t mean stupid. I mean that the host is a transvestite that enjoys having sex with other men. Somehow or another a link to one of my posts appeared on the podcast show notes. Of course I downloaded the podcast to hear why in the world the guy/girl would be interested in my blog. All I knew is that the link was in reference to the Jesse Ventura post.

When it came time for the show host to talk about Ventura, the host started reading my post. He got a line or two into the post, and then you could hear his tech guy in the background say, “Uh, that’s just a blog. The link is in reference to the picture.” The host did inadvertently say the title of the post a few more times, though, and that got some laughs (Entertainment, poop, and other drivel).

It was exciting and nasty at the same time. Why couldn’t he like me for my writing (even though I’ve produced nothing short of crap of late)? I feel so dirty.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Without a second to spare

This week, I employed a new “pick” strategy. Instead of relying on woman’s intuition this week, I’m relying on intuition of the canine sort; after all, Champion (my dog) should know a fellow Champion when he smells one.

It took me a while to figure out how exactly I would get Champ’s full cooperation (at almost six months old, he is still a wiggly and excitable Springer Spaniel puppy). In the end, I have to say that I’m fairly pleased with the results. Here’s how I ran the experiment, ehm, picks:

I found these very old-school coasters (you know, the kind with cork backing that drinks are placed on in order to avoid that ugly water stain on the furniture). Just my luck, there was a coaster for each team. Sans the assistance of meat spray or cheese rubbings, I tossed out the two coasters simultaneously. The coaster Champ retrieved indicated the winning team for the week.

Buffalo vs. New Orleans – I don’t know what it is about the Bills Champ likes; lord knows their mascot is weak. Maybe he was getting a bad vibe from the hurricane victim team. BILLS

San Diego (+5.5) @ New England – Either it’s the colors he finds aversive or my dog secretly swings a little to the left. Champ just doesn’t like the Patriots. CHARGERS

Seattle (+2) @ Washington – I was a little worried when Champ first picked up the Skins coaster at first. As luck would have it, he took the coaster to his favorite pooping spot, took a dump, and then proceeded to fetch the Seahawk coaster. SEAHAWKS

St. Louis (+3) @ New York Giants – Is this a trend? Champ is either against the east coast teams or he doesn’t like patriotic colors (why aren’t the Giants green? Aren’t giants green? Or am I thinking of ogres? Now that would be a scary mascot – the Ogres.) Champ likes the RAMS.

Denver (+4) @ Jacksonville - Another sweaty moment at our household. As you know, Denver is the house team. There was speculation that Champ would prefer Jacksonville, but after a moment’s hesitation, Champ knew to pick the team of the Alpha male. BRONCOS

Detroit (+7) @ Tampa Bay – I have to admit that my dog is still a little bit nervous, and that may be why he went against the lion and chose the BUCS.

Houston (+10) @ Cincinnati – What do I know? He doesn’t like lions, but Champ favors the BENGALS.

Indianapolis (-6.5) @ Tennessee – There is something non-threatening about a nice horse that Champ loves – this may be why he was for the Broncos too. COLTS

NY Jets (+7.5) @ Baltimore – Awwwww – bucking the “against the East” trend, Champ was all over the JETS.

Dallas (+3) @ Oakland – Get along little doggies? Apparently this dog is not the herding sort. Champ loves the RAIDERS.

Minnesota (+5.5) @ Atlanta – The Atlanta coaster was looking a little scary to me, but apparently it had the right smell. FALCONS

Philly (+2.5) @ Kansas City – Do I detect a bird trend? Well, Champ is a bird dog. EAGLES

San Fran (+3) vs. Arizona - Sorry Cards, a little red bird is not the kind my dog likes to fetch. 49ERS

Green Bay (+7) @ Carolina – I don’t like the PACKERS – not one little bit. But Champ loves them. Could it be that he could smell the cheese heads on the other side of the country? PACKERS

There they are. Let’s hope Champ’s intuition fares better than mine.