Thursday, August 18, 2005

Mama's Little Helper

What ever happened to the secret mom’s club of mid-afternoon Martini drinkers so Mama could calm her nerves before the kids returned home from school? Forget about the being politically correct; it’s time to bring back “Mama’s little helper.” Ahh, those were the good old days when a woman could be a quiet drunk, and no one said a thing (mostly because they were busy taking a sips from their own little nippy bottles).

I think that should be a category on Match.com – the “Quiet Drunk.” It says, “I drink to get through the day, but I’m not a sloppy drunk.” If you see that someone has checked that box, then there will be no surprises when your date seems unmoved after downing her sixth pint of Guinness.

Come to think of it, “Barf out my nose drunk” would be another helpful drinking distinguisher. It could either be a warning or a barometer (“If I’m not barfing out my nose, I’m not drunk enough yet”).

It all depends on how you want to look at it, I guess.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to start drinking and smoking. Since I don’t do either really, I’m planning on starting out small and working my way up.

For drinking, I’ll start with the fluffy stuff – the Hard Lemonade junk. If I start with four a year and double that every year, by the time I’m 60, I’ll have worked my way up to being that nice quiet drunk.

For smoking, I’m going to build up my nicotine tolerance with the patch first. I figure a year or two from now, I’ll graduate to actually taking a drag on a cigarette. Wait, scratch that. I’m not sure I’ll actually smoke because I don’t want to get lung cancer. So I’ll work my way up to the patch.

Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that some more.

9 comments:

Selene said...

Might I recommend starting off by taking a good swig every hour between one and five in the afternoon from a silver flask that keep that in your handbag.

As for the smoking...just don't do that. Get the patch and work your way up to chewing tobacco. That worked for me.

Mimi said...

shots of whiskey; that's what I do. just sip it to start.

bluesugarpoet said...

Whisky, the birls gest friend....thanks for the dip, I mean tip

Selene said...

my grandpa saved money by purchasing red wine in the gallon jugs. these days they make it even easier by selling it a little box with a spigot.

bluesugarpoet said...

Yum, wine in a box. Number 1 choice of Winos everywhere.

Selene said...

don't forget the spigot

Michael Jack said...

I might take offense to the use of "Hard Lemonade" and "Junk" together in a sentence. Mike's makes a mean lemonade.

Wine in a bag brings back some great memories from simpler times. It also makes me shudder to think about drinking it now.

Selene said...

Grandpa clearly wasn't particular. I think he made his favorite breakfast by gently stirring into a pint of beer Tabasco sauce and one raw egg.

I declined his offer of a taste when I was five.

Mimi said...

Rita May drinks that wine in a box ALL THE TIME.